Sexy, Salacious, Bawdy, and even Derogatory Names for towns and geographical features

Out of all the sexy names there are for cities, it might seem impossible to pick a top two that would have to be every man's and every woman's favorite.  While name like 'Beaver Lick', 'Boob Creek', 'Sugartit', 'Intercourse', 'Horneytown', 'Tickle Cunt Branch', and 'Fucking Creek' are hard to beat, without a doubt every man's favorite city would have to be... 'Pussy Creek, Ohio'.

Picking one city name that had to be every woman's favorite was easy, but picking the city itself ended up being a four way tie between 'Climax, Georgia', 'Climax, Michigan', 'Climax, Minnesota', and 'Climax Springs, Missouri'.

Honorable mention: 'Gay Head, Massachusetts' for homosexual men, and 'Dykesville, Louisiana' and 'Dykesville, Wisconsin' for lesbian women.

Who ever said geography was boring?

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and...

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the shit out of my friend. The pain is indescribable, but I really don't care. 'It works!! IT WORKS!!!!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!

Hell, I'm numb by now... NOTHING HURTS!  So I recklessly shave it off.  I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color!

NOTHING!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant.
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control.
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference.  Pretty cute really, but (loaded with only two itsy bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'No possible way!'


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best…


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...  WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...  WHAT THE HELL!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up laying on my side in the fetal position, tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room!

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You WILL NOT let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the scene.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.  I had no control over the drooling.  Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.


 I'm still looking for my testicles, and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid'

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it."
Cary Grant

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey - Steve Martin

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience. But as meaningless experiences go, it's one of the best."
Woody Allen

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it difficult for him to come out of the closet."
Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes - men, women and clergymen."
Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen - Rodney Dangerfield

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Camille Paglia

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns - Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
P. J. O'Rourke - Lynn Lavner

"There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."
George Burns

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen

"Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet."
St. Augustine

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships"
Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.' "
Jerry Seinfeld

"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
Woody Allen

"My family never raised me to have a vagina."
Roseanne

"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
Aldous Huxley

"Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?"
George Carlin

"Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven."
Mark Twain

"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other."
Jane Austen

"Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside."
Alex Walsh

"When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
Frederike Ryder

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
Rod Stewart

"We didn't think of it as a sex scene. We approached it as two characters really getting what they needed. They needed that like they needed air to breathe."
Halle Berry

"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose. They should draw the line at goats though."
Elton John

"I think you're running into a lot of trouble if your idea of foreplay is, 'Brace yourself honey, here I come!' "
Dr. Phil McGraw

"The problem is that for women, the average time is just over 14 minutes... men are left with about 12 minutes during which time they need to think of something to do!"
Dr. Phil McGraw

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Thyroid Problem?'"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner. It ain't over 'til you both get your cookie."
Alec Baldwin

"Gay leaders are furious at Barack Obama because he picked an anti-gay minister to deliver a prayer during the inauguration ceremony. Yeah. Gay leaders are also furious at Obama because the tie he's planning to wear is all wrong."
Conan O'Brien

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."
Carrie Snow

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy

"I know nothing about sex because I was always married."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Sex is emotion in motion."
Mae West

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
Bob Rubin

"The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently."
Margaret Smith

"Men get laid, but women get screwed."
Quentin Crisp

"Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact."
Marlene Dietrich

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
Butch Hancock

"To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals."
Don Schrader

"My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live."
Erica Jong

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
Mark Twain

"We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time."
Arthur Hoppe

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
Woody Allen

"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex."
Billy Joel

"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it."
Truman Capote

"If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time."
Louise Sammons

"Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!"
George Bernard Shaw

"My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one."
Bob Hope

"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"
Murray Banks

"My cock doesn't talk politics."
S. Sachs

"I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them."
Jay McInerney

"A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: 'Because everything does.' "
Honor Tracy

"Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement."
Charles Bukowski

"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
Matt Groening

"A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation."
Karl Kraus

"My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife."
Edwina Currie

"The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex."
Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer

"A really hard laugh is like sex - one of the ultimate diversions of existence."
Jerry Seinfeld

"If sex isn't a joke, what is?"
Nella Larsen

"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax."
Scott Roeben

"Anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn't had enough gratuitous sex."
Geoff Spear

"Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite."
Germaine Greer

"For me, love is very deep, but sex only has to go a few inches."
Stacy Nelkin

"Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes."
Marilyn Sokol

"There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be."
Norman Mailer

"It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean."
Mae West

"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that."
Lewis Grizzard

"Nothing makes you forget about love like sex."
Staci Beasley

"Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them."
Kevin Costner, Tin Cup

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible."
Leslie Nielsen

"Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing."
Phyllis Diller

"Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs."
George Carlin

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw."
Tallulah Bankhead

"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know."
Garry Shandling

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
Joan Rivers

"The psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said, 'It is if you're doing it right.' "
Woody Allen

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
Marilyn Monroe

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."
Sophia Loren

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George Carlin in Trenton, New Jersey on April 4, 2008

Carlin started his comedy career in 1959 with Jack Burns as a comedy team when both were working for radio station KXOL in Fort Worth, Texas.  Carlin began appearing on television variety shows in the 1960s, notably The Ed Sullivan Show and The Tonight Show. His most famous routines were:

• The Indian Sergeant ("You wit' the beads... get outta line")
• Stupid disc jockeys ("Wonderful WINO...") — "The Beatles' latest record, when played backwards at slow speed, says 'Dummy! You're playing it backwards at slow speed!'"
• Al Sleet, the "hippie-dippie weatherman" — "Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely-scattered light towards morning."
• Jon Carson — the "world never known, and never to be known"
Variations on the first three of these routines appear on Carlin's 1967 debut album, Take Offs and Put Ons, recorded live in 1966 at The Roostertail in Detroit, Michigan.

Carlin unexpectedly stopped performing regularly in 1976, when his career appeared to be at its height. For the next five years, he rarely appeared to perform stand-up, although it was at this time he began doing specials for HBO as part of its On Location series. His first two HBO specials aired in 1977 and 1978. It was later revealed that Carlin had suffered the first of his three non-fatal heart attacks during this layoff period.

In 1981, Carlin returned to the stage, releasing A Place For My Stuff, and continued working until his death 2008.  Carlin's last HBO stand-up special, It's Bad for Ya, aired live on March 1, 2008, from the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa, California.  Many of the themes that appeared in this HBO special included "American Bullshit," "Rights," "Death," "Old Age," and "Child Rearing." Carlin had been working the new material for this HBO special for several months prior in concerts all over the country.

Carlin won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums.  On June 18, 2008, four days before his death, the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington, D.C. announced that Carlin would be the 2008 honoree of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, which was awarded on November 10, 2008. Carlin thus became the award's first posthumous recipient, a decision the Kennedy Center made after consulting with both Carlin's family and PBS, which aired the ceremony.

While Carlin's dark sense of humor may not have been everyone's cup of tea, many of his jokes were thought provoking.  Carlin was a physical performer, and his expressions and body language were usually enough to have an audience roaring with laughter.  For those who were too young to have seen Carlin perform, we highly recommend finding his performances on DVD.

In memoriam, we present some of George Carlin's most hilarious and thought provoking quotes:


"Always do whatever's next."

"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

" 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."

"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him."

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"Religion is just mind control."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

"The status quo sucks."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"Think off-center."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

"When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

"When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent."

"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands."

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

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"A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika."

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it."

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves."

"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires."

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."

"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."
'But the One on the Right,' in New Yorker, 1929

"They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm."
'Fair Weather,' Sunset Gun, 1928

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

"I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of 'Those Who Do Things'. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more."
Here Lies (1939),"The Little Hours"

"She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B."
speaking of Katharine Hepburn

"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."

"That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them."

"It's a small apartment, I've barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends."

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'Cheque Enclosed.' "

"A girl's best friend is her mutter."

"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host!"

Young man to Dorothy Parker: "I can't bear fools."
Dorothy Parker to young man: "Funny, your mother could."

"Are you Dorothy Parker?" a guest at a party inquired.
"Yes, do you mind?"

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

"How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the nightlight. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things."

In 1925, Harold Ross was struggling to keep The New Yorker magazine alive with a tiny, inexperienced staff and an office with one typewriter. Running into Dorothy, Ross said, "I thought you were coming into the office to write a piece last week. What happened?"
Dorothy replied, "Somebody was using the pencil."

"I can't write five words but that I change seven."

In the street once Dorothy approached a taxi.
"I'm engaged," the cabbie said.
"Then be happy," she told him.

"Look at him, a rhinestone in the rough."

"Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart."

"His body has gone to his head."

Of the play "The House Beautiful":
"The House Beautiful is The Play Lousy."

"He is beyond question a writer of power; and his power lies in his ability to make sex so thoroughly, graphically and aggressively unattractive that one is fairly shaken to ponder how little one has been missing."

"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away."

"The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism."

"Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life."

"I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."

"There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words."

"Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion."

"Scratch an actor and find an actress."

"Hemingway avoids New York, for he has the most valuable asset an artist can possess - the fear of what he knows is bad for him."

"Everything that isn't writing is fun."

Under interrogation by the FBI: "Listen, I can't even get my dog to stay down. Do I look like someone who could overthrow the government?"

"Did I enjoy the party? One more drink and I would have been under the host."

"I really can't be expected to drop everything and start counting sheep at my age. I hate sheep."

"I like to think of my shining tombstone. It gives me, as you might say, something to live for."

In a New Yorker review of A.A. Milne's "House at Pooh Corner":
"Tonstant weader fwowed up."

"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me..."

In a review of a book by Margot Asquith:
"The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature."

To Mrs. Sherwood on the arrival of her baby:
"Good work, Mary,'' our Mrs. Parker wired collect. "We all knew you had it in you.''

"When your bank account is so overdrawn that it is positively photographic, steps must be taken."

"Summer makes me drowsy. Autumn makes me sing. Winter's pretty lousy, but I hate Spring."

"Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants."

"He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery."

"As only New Yorkers know, if you can get through the twilight, you'll live through the night."

"I misremember who first was cruel enough to nurture the cocktail party into life. But perhaps it would be not too much to say, in fact it would be not enough to say, that it was not worth the trouble."

"I wouldn't touch a superlative again with an umbrella."

"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."

"People are more fun than anybody."

"You can't teach an old dogma new tricks."

"They come clean with the news that war is a horrible thing, that injustice still exists in many parts of the globe even to this day, that the very rich are apt to sit appreciably prettier than the very poor. Even the tenderer matters are not smeared over with romance for them. They have taken a calm look at this marriage thing and they are there to report that it is not always a life long trip to Niagara Falls. You will be barely able to stagger when the evening is over. In fact, once you have heard the boys settling things it will be no surprise to you if any day now one of them works it all out that there is nothing to this Santa Claus idea."

"See the happy moron, He doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron, My God! Perhaps I am!"

"Hollywood money isn't money. It's congealed snow, melts in your hand and there you are."

"If I had any decency, I'd be dead. Most of my friends are."

"It's not the tragedies that kill us, it's the messes."

"If you're going to write, don't pretend to write down. It's going to be the best you can do, and it's the fact that it's the best you can do that kills you."

"All those writers who write about their childhood! Gentle God, if I wrote about mine you wouldn't sit in the same room with me."

"She looks like something that would eat it's young."

"Gratitude - the meanest and most sniveling attribute in the world."

"Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, may be prolonged to the point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation."

"I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen..."

"Those who have mastered etiquette, who are entirely, impeccably right, would seem to arrive at a point of exquisite dullness."

"I can't talk about Hollywood. It was a horror to me when I was there and it's a horror to look back on. I can't imagine how I did it. When I got away from it I couldn't even refer to the place by name. "Out there," I called it."

"Just begin a story with such a phrase as 'I remember Disraeli - poor old Dizz! - once saying to me, in answer to my poke in the eye,' and you will find me and Morpheus off in a corner, necking."

"I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money."

"My verses, I cannot say poems. . . . I was following in the exquisite footsteps of Miss Millay, unhappily in my own horrible sneakers."

"There is entirely too much charm around, and something must be done to stop it."

"Men don't like nobility in woman. Not any men. I suppose it is because the men like to have the copyrights on nobility - if there is going to be anything like that in a relationship."

"He has a capacity for enjoyment so vast that he gives away great chunks to those about him, and never even misses them. . . . He can take you to a bicycle race and make it raise your hair."

"Excuse me, everybody, I have to go to the bathroom. I really have to telephone, but I'm too embarrassed to say so."

"This play John Drinkwater's Abraham Lincoln holds the season's record, thus far, with a run of four evening performances and one matinee. By an odd coincidence, it ran just five performances too many."

"I was the toast of two continents: Greenland and Australia."

"... as for helping me in the outside world, the Convent taught me only that if you spit on a pencil eraser, it will erase ink."

"A list of authors who have made themselves most beloved and therefore, most comfortable financially, shows that it is our national joy to mistake for the first-rate, the fecund rate."

"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair."

"Most good women are hidden treasures who are only safe because nobody looks for them."

"I know that there are things that never have been funny, and never will be. And I know that ridicule may be a shield, but it is not a weapon."

"There must be a magnificent disregard of your reader, for if he cannot follow you, there is nothing you can do about it."

"[We look like] a road company of the Last Supper."

"His ignorance was an Empire State Building of ignorance. You had to admire it for its size."

"Oh, don't worry about Alan . . . Alan will always land on somebody's feet."

"Outspoken by whom?"

Someone told Dorothy that Clair Boothe Luce was even kind to her inferiors; Parker replied "Where does she find them?"

Back to Top

"They don't call me Tyrannosaurus Sex for nothing."
Sen. Ted Kennedy

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
President George W. Bush

"Dan would rather play golf than have sex any day."
Marilyn Quayle, on Vice President Dan Quayle

"Well, there was no sex for 14 days."
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention

"This attractive lady whom I had only recently been introduced to dropped into my lap… I chose not to dump her off."
Sen. Gary Hart, referring to an encounter with Donna Rice

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks."
President George H.W. Bush

"I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me."
President Jimmy Carter

"It depends on what the meaning of the words 'is' is."
President Bill Clinton, during his 1998 grand jury testimony on the Monica Lewinsky affair

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."
President Bill Clinton

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, >they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.

It means I live my life MY way.

It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.

I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame

Try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.

You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

BITCH:
Babe In Total Control of Herself
Beautiful Intelligent Talented Charming Hell of a Woman
Beautiful Individual That Can Handle anything

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.  'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black